illuminate
by tatty ted
Summary: It's been three months since Tammy was raped and she's just about getting over the trauma of the attack when she discovers she's pregnant. Unable to deal with the news, Tammy finds herself self-destructing but if she just stopped for a second, she'd discover she isn't alone. Will this be the moment that she lets people in? /Sequel to "Mockingbird". - —Jill/OC.
1. CHAPTER I

**notes** — this is the sequel to _shards of ice _and _mockingbird_.

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**illuminate**  
_all i ever wanted, all i ever wanted._

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She's agreed, for a small price to help Pearl with the laundry but she's already beginning to regret her act of kindness as she can't stay in the laundry room for long. It comes on suddenly, the feeling of nausea and she has no choice but to leave, heading to the bathroom.

She just about reaches the toilet when she starts being sick and she has no idea what's wrong with her.

The floor's cold and she's shaking from being sick. She leans her head on the cubicle wall and takes a deep breath, wondering how many more mornings she'll be sick for, the end nowhere in sight. Four days, four days since she kept being sick.

The feeling of nausea seems to subsize after she's sick and Tammy stands up, flushes the chain and walks out of the toilet. She runs the cold tap and stares at her reflection for a moment. A moment too long as she realises exactly how she's changed in four days.

Her skin, it's pale and she constantly feels cold. She has bags under her eyes and she's lost her sparkle. Tammy hopes it's a virus, a bug of some sort that in time will go away so she can get back to normal, she hates feeling so exhausted all the time!

She walks along the corridor but everything starts to feel different, almost strange like. It's spinning, the corridor and she leans against the wall, closing her eyes. She opens them a few seconds later to realise she's in the same situation.

The corridor is still spinning.

"Tammy?" She hears her voice being called but she can't reply. Darkness begins to cloud her eyes and she falls to the floor.

/

Tammy opens her eyes and blinks trying to adjust to the light that's blinding her. For a second she's disorientated, not really sure where she is or who she's with until she sits up and realises she's in her Aunt's consulting room.

"What happened?"

"You fainted." Jill smiles at her niece, "How are you feeling now?"

"Much better." She smiles softly and looks down at the floor. She doesn't want to worry her Aunt, with her pregnancy and all that but this wasn't the first time Tammy had fainted. In fact, on off for the last three weeks she'd fainted a number of times.

"Is this the first time you've fainted?"

Tammy nods but Jill looks at her niece closely. Tammy was never a good liar, it was something that ran in the family, the inability to lie. There's nothing spoken for a moment before Jill sits beside her niece, "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

Tammy nods but still remains silent. Jill accepts that she isn't going to get to the bottom of Tammy's problems _yet _and decides to tell her what she's going to do to get to the bottom of why Tammy fainted.

"I'm going to admit you for the night, just so I can keep an eye on you and run some tests. There's a number of reasons why you might be fainting, you could be anaemic, you could be pregnant even."

Jill noticed something, a _little_ of something in her niece when she mentioned being pregnant. It was a flicker of fear, maybe Tammy thought she could be pregnant but was scared to tell someone, maybe she didn't know what to do.

"Tammy?" Tammy made eye contact with her aunt and smiled softly, "Yes?"

"Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell me?"

There was a pause and for a second Jill thought she might be getting somewhere. Instead Tammy answered with a smile that everything was perfectly fine except of course becoming a patient, _again. _

Jill knew, as she walked Tammy towards the ward to be admitted that there was definitely something strange about Tammy and that she had no choice but to get to the bottom of it. She couldn't let it go, she really couldn't.

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**jottings** — this is probably the third and final story in the tammy series. i had this written for ages, in more detail but my phone broke and i lost everything:( if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	2. CHAPTER II

ϟ

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**CHAPTER TWO**.  
_when you said you needed space._

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"You're going to feel a slight stratch." Tammy rose her eyebrows and laughed, "I think I'm used to it now, don't you?"

Meryl the young nurse smiled and stuck the needle into her arm, collecting some blood. She watched as the blood was drained from the vein in her arm and there was nothing but silence. As Meryl removed the needle, she put some cotton wool over the small incisen and Tammy held it there.

"All done."

She smiled softly, "What are you doing this weekend?"

Meryl shook her head, "Nothing why?"

"Do you want to go out for a couple of drinks?"

Meryl paused, she wasn't too sure if going out for a "couple of drinks" was a good idea with Tammy. Tammy, Tammy never knew when to stop and quite often ending up in the gutter leaving whoever she was with to bring her home.

"I'll get back to you." She answered before she left, pulling the curtain around her. Tammy looked up at the ceiling, closed her eyes and wondered how long she'd be left in the hospital. She already spent enough time here, she didn't want to spend longer than what was neccessary.

She doesn't know how long she'd been staring at the ceiling, counting the tiles that sort of thing when Sister Brigid tells her she has a visitor. She frowns, Tammy never has visitors.

"I have a visitor?"

"Yes, she says you're expecting her."

She's left to collect her thoughts for a moment before she sees the person walk through the doors of the ward. Her eyes fall upon her younger sister Grace. Grace, her sister. Her not-so-little-sister.

Sister Brigid notices the tension between the two and leaves them to it. Grace steps towards the bed, drops the bag on the floor and bends down to wrap her arms around her sister. It's been too long, much too long.

"Hello Tammy."

"Hello Grace." Grace lets go off Tammy and sits down on the edge of the bed, staring at her sister. It's been three years since they'd last seen each other. When her sister left, Grace was sixteen years old and just as rebellious as her. She missed her sister terribly, they were two peas in a pod.

"God Tammy I've missed you."

Tammy smiled, shocked about her sister being in front of her. She remembered the stuff they got up too, the rebellious stuff that neither of them liked to admit too. They were like twins, close and protective of each other.

"I've missed you too Grace." She whispered and played the tread of the blanket. Grace looked around the ward, wondering how she can get rid of the awkwardness of the situation. A lot had changed in three years, they were no longer children.

"So how are you? Is life treating you well?"

Grace pauses, "I'm good thank you and yeah, I guess so. I'm married now with two children, two boys. What about you? How come your here?"

She laughs at her sister, shocked at how much her sister had grown. Grace was married with two children whilst Tammy was engaged and still wondering if motherhood was right for her, "Oh me? I'm good thanks. I'm engaged to a Doctor, we're not really planning children at the moment though."

Grace nods, "Where did you go when mum threw you out?"

Tammy sighed deeply, "Not now Grace, please."

Grace kissed her sister's head and got off the bed. She explained she had to go as she'd told her husband she wouldn't be long. As she picked up her bag off the floor, Tammy grabbed her arm and held it for a moment.

"How did you find me?"

Grace smiled, "My husband and I have just moved into the area. It was purely coinsidence but I remembered this is where Auntie Jill lived. I guessed you'd go to her if you were struggling with anything, you were always close to her."

Tammy made eye contact with Grace and let go off her hand; "Don't be a stranger."

"I won't." Grace smiled, blew a kiss to her sister and left. Tammy watched her go and wondered if she could ever be as close to Grace as she had been as a child. They were adults now, with their own lives to lead. She smiled softly, the two rebellious teens would always make a reappearance.

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	3. CHAPTER III

ϟ

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**CHAPTER THREE**.  
_i'm lying alone, thinking of you._

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"You're pregnant."

She could've sworn that in that second, when her aunt had told her she was expecting a baby, her life stopped. She stared at the bed, so many thoughts running through her mind.

Pregnant. Baby. Was it Jeff's? How far gone was she?

She shook her head refusing to accept she was definitely pregnant; "No, I can't be."

Jill sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Tammy. She could tell she was scared, especially after last time but it was completely different this time. She was engaged, she had support and she'd have this baby, "I know you're scared but—"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

Tammy sighed; "It doesn't matter."

Jill looked at her niece, there was definitely something troubling her. She didn't say anything for a minute, she knew Tammy knew she could talk to her about anything. She stood up from the edge of the bed and said that she was going to leave Tammy to think.

Tammy nodded as she watched her aunt leave. She didn't want to be pregnant, she couldn't be pregnant! She put a hand on her stomach, not feeling anything. She wasn't sad or happy, she was completely numb, cut off from her emotions.

She swung her legs to the side of the bed and got out, explaining to Sister Brigid that she was going to the bathroom. As she put on her shoes and left the ward, she knew there was no way she was going back, she had to get rid of this baby one way or another.

/

Tammy had brought a bottle of vodka from the shop and she was sat in the hospital garden, getting completely wasted. She wanted to forget about this baby but she knew she couldn't have another backstreet abortion.

She still remembered the last one as though it happened yesterday. She could still remember the strong smell of disinfectant and the smell of iron. Just thinking about the trauma made her physically sick.

She downed some of the vodka, the liquid burning her throat. Despite the strong smell, it was providing a comfort to her knowing it could kill the baby. She didn't want it. She didn't want to be a mother, she wasn't ready, she'd never be ready.

Gradually, the garden began to spin and she knew she was getting drunk. She went to take another gulp of the vodka when a voice startled her and made her drop the vodka bottle. It smashed against the concrete and Tammy cursed the individual.

Tammy looked up her eyes falling upon Matron, "Tammy?"

She started to giggle uncontrollably and Matron guessed that she was drunk. She touched her arm gently, "You're drunk!"

"Am not." Matron sighed deeply. She wondered if Tammy would ever give up the self-destruction. She gently brought her to her feet and lead her back into the hospital, all whilst Tammy was protesting that she wasn't drunk and she didn't need to go back to bed.

As they reached the ward, Tammy was still stumbling everywhere and giggling hysterically. Matron called over Sister Brigid and together, they helped Tammy back into bed. As she stared at the ceiling, the room still spinning slightly, Matron said that she was going to find Doctor Goodwin.

Sister Brigid nodded and looked back at Tammy, "Oh Tammy, you really shouldn't drink in your condition."

"Why don't you save your lecture for someone who cares? Actually, why don't you and your God just piss off. I really don't understand how you can believe in God, all he is is a bastard who hurts those around him." She burst into tears, rolled over onto her side and cried.

Sister Brigid was taken aback by Tammy's words but knew she shouldn't take it to heart. She looked at Tammy for a moment and left her to calm down. It wasn't long before Jeff came in, anxious about Tammy and her condition.

"Tammy?" She sat up when she heard Jeff's voice and made eye contact with him. He wrapped her arms around her as she burst into tears and whispered; "I'm pregnant Jeff, I'm pregnant Jeff and it's not yours. It's that bastard's baby, the one who raped me. He raped me and now I'm pregnant!"

Jeff rubbed Tammy's back as he whispered into her ear; "Sssh baby, it's going to be okay, we're going to be okay."

She made eye contact with Jeff, tears still rolling down her cheeks. He looked her in the eye and wipes away the tears that are rolling down her cheeks with his thumb. He smiles softly; "If it's _his_ baby, we'll deal with it. There's options out there Tammy, I'll support you either way."

She looked into his eyes and smiled softly, relieved that he'd be there with her every step of the way.

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	4. CHAPTER IV

ϟ

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**CHAPTER FOUR**.  
_walk on water just to be with you._

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It's been a week since she was admitted to hospital for her fainting episodes and discovered she was pregnant. A week. It didn't seem that long ago, it only seemed like yesterday. It's been a difficult week, full of self-destruction and flashbacks and nightmares.

She wonders how Jeff copes with her self-destruction. This week alone she'd drank some more vodka, scarred her arms and gone missing for a day or two. She doesn't feel guilty, when she goes through trauma she presses the self-destruct button.

Last night she got drunk, stumbled her way to her Aunt's and passed out on the settee. Her head hurts, her arms hurt because they're covered in fresh cuts and bruises and she feels slightly guilty because her aunt's pregnant and really shouldn't be faced with the stress.

"Are you going to tell me why you got drunk?" Jill asks as Tammy sits on the kitchen counter and swings her legs backwards and forwards. Tammy doesn't say anything and Jill continues, "You know if you carry on drinking, your going to lose the baby."

"Good!" She snaps back, "Least I won't have to go through another backstreet abortion!"

"You don't mean that."

"Don't I?" She stops swinging her legs backwards and forwards and says softly; "I don't want this baby, do you want to know why? I didn't have a choice. I was raped, I was raped and now I'm pregnant so I'm sorry if I'm being destructive but this baby isn't mine, I had no choice when it came to its conception."

Tammy watched the colour drain from Jill's face and she jumped down from the kitchen counter and whispered; "I'm sorry I didn't—"

She made eye contact with her niece and suddenly everything over the last couple of months became clear, "Is that—is that why you took an overdose? Because you were raped? Tammy why didn't you talk to me?"

"I couldn't!" She sat beside Jill at the table, "I thought if I pretended it didn't happen, I'd be okay but I wasn't. I don't mean to be self-destructive but I can't help it. When I drink, I forget for a moment the pain he put me through that day. I just want to forget."

She rested her head against Jill's shoulder and she sighed. She felt like rubbish that her niece hadn't felt able to come and talk to her. There was nothing spoken for a moment or two before Jill asked; "Does Jeff know?"

"Jeff knows everything, he—he said he's going to support me. I just—I can't help but push him away Jill, which I shouldn't because he's lovely and wonderful and—yeah." She sighed deeply and removed her head from Jill's shoulder, "I'm sorry for everything."

Jill smiled slightly and shook her head. It didn't matter, she knew the reason why.

/

"Me and you, we need to talk." Her eyes fall upon Jeff and he nods, worried about what Tammy's going to say to him. She's sat on the desk, legs crossed, scratching her nails into her palms. He puts his hands over hers to stop her.

"Go on."

There's a pause, "I want an abortion, I want to get rid of this baby because its driving a wedge between us. It's making me remember everything I don't want to remember and the only way to save our relationship is to have a termination."

He laced his hand through hers, "Are you sure that's what you want?"

Tammy nods, "After I've had the termination, I want us to get married. A big wedding, in a church with all our friends and family. Then when we're married, I want us to move house and then we can try for our own children okay?"

She moves from the desk and straddles his lap. He lets go off her hand and cups her cheeks in his hands and kisses her passionately; "That sounds wonderful! I love you Tammy Edwards."

"I love you too Jeff Goodwin." She rests her head on his shoulder, knowing that with him she can survive anything. This was the beginning of a new life together, in life things happened to try and break you but really, all it did was make you stronger.

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	5. CHAPTER V

ϟ

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**CHAPTER FIVE**.  
_no tears will fall from these eyes._

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Grace picked up the envelopes that had fallen through the letter box and flicked through them. All of them, apart from one were for her husband Anthony Myers. The letter addressed to Grace looked important. She tore open the envelope and looked at the invitation;

_Tammy Edwards and Jeff Goodwin, would like to invite you to their wedding at Church Albert, on the 22nd July._

She smiled at the invitation wondering how her sister found her address. Still she was pleased to be given an invite. She walked into the living room and stood it up on the fireplace beside the photograph of her two children when they were first born.

She decided, as she returned to the kitchen, she was going to go and visit her sister.

In fact, that morning most of the people of Elsinby recieved an invite to attend the wedding of Tammy and Jeff. Tammy was excited, she couldn't wait to become Mrs Goodwin but she knew it would get some getting used too.

She was distant at the kitchen table that morning, as Jeff placed a cup of tea in front of her. He sat down opposite her and didn't say anything for a moment, he just watched her as she stared at the same spot on the kitchen wall.

"What are you thinking?"

"About our wedding," She answered and saw the look of worry on his face, "No it's all good don't worry."

She smiled softly. It still felt strange that she—they were getting married. She couldn't imagine ever becoming a wife, things like that only happened in your wildest dreams. She picked up the cup of tea that Jeff had made and took a sip.

"Jeff?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

/

Tammy and Grace were sat on the beach, watching Grace's two boys running around. They were called Luke and Boyd, Luke was three and Boyd was two. They'd been introduced to their Aunt and they loved her which was the most important thing.

Tammy dug her feet into the sand and listened to her sister as she asked; "Why did you bring the wedding forward?"

She turned to her sister and replied; "These last couple of months haven't been easy for me, they haven't been easy for Jeff either and I thought if we brought the wedding forward, we'd have something positive to focus on. Neither of us can wait."

"Do you really think you're ready for marriage Tam?"

Tammy laughed, "Is anyone really ready for marriage? We're strong Jeff and I, our marriage can only be stronger right?"

Grace nodded and both of them looked back at the children. Tammy no longer had that aching feeling inside her heart, the feeling that said she shouldn't kept her first child aged seventeen. It didn't hurt anymore because she was happy, she was healing and she'd have her own children one day.

A certain saying sprang to mind as she sat there, reflecting on the last couple of days. (_Things fall apart so better things can fall together.) _

She knew it was true, things fall apart so better things could fall together.

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**jottings** — if you like it enough to favourite/alert, please leave a review:3


	6. EPILOGUE

ϟ

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**EPILOGUE**.  
_i never wanted to hurt you._

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"We have gathered here today to witness the marriage of Tammy Edwards and Jeff Goodwin."

She's stood at the front of the church beside Jeff wearing a beautiful white ivory wedding dress. It doesn't seem real, stood in a church, in a wedding dress and beside the man she wants to be with for the rest of her life.

"Do you Jeff Goodwin take Tammy Edwards to be your wedded wife? To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part."

Jeff looked at Tammy, took her hand in his and nodded; "I do." He slid the ring onto her finger and smiled. At that moment Tammy thought she was going to burst into tears. She had never felt so happy!

"Do you Tammy Edwards take Jeff Goodwin to be your wedded husband? To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us apart."

Tammy looked up at Jeff and answered; "I do." She put the ring on his finger and looked at her husband,

"Does anyone have any objections as to why this marriage shouldn't go ahead?"

The church was silent and Tammy breathed a sigh of relief, her stomach still filled with butterflies. Jeff squeezed her hand reasurringly as they were pronouced man and wife. She smiled softly as the church interrupted into claps. She made eye contact with Jeff and kissed him deeply.

"I love you!" He whispered and she whispered back, "I love you too!" He took her hand and she smiled. She was married, she was now Mrs Goodwin and she couldn't be happier. Today was the beginning of a new adventure for both of them, today was the beginning of the rest of their lives.

Together.

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**jottings** — i'm not completely happy with this as it was a lot better on my phone:( still it's something and i'm glad i'm over my writer's block for now. i may write another tammy story in the future but at the moment, i doubt it. i think three stories is enough.

thank you for all the lovely reviews/favourites/alerts i've received on this story and the preview two, "shards of ice" & "mockingbird".


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